This is what I imagine a one night stand to be like

A few weeks ago I had a handful of friends stay the night at my house. I planned on letting them sleep in my room while I was on the couch. About 6 in the morning the following thought process occurred:

What time is it? Am… am I not alone on the couch? It ‘s just the dog… That’s… too big to be Hartley… Oh, no that’s Erika… Wait, Erika?!

Apparently my dog was occupying the bedroom at the time.

This is how I imagine waking up from a drunken one night stand feels like…

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Me VS. Procrastination

“I should blog.”

“No, no you just got back from the bank! Which sucked. Reward yourself with Netflix.”

“But Mom’s watching Netflix on the Wii and my phone’s dead and I really should…”

“Nah. You can do it later.”

“But I haven’t blogged in a really long time…”

“Shh.”

“But I need to-”

“Shhh, relax.”

“But-”

“SHH!”

“…”

“Good, now go take a nap or something.”

*defeated* “Okay.”

Me VS. Procrastination

If You Give a Koala Klondike Bar

I co- wrote a book!

Well, sort- of.

Not really.

Depends on what you consider a book...

You can see (and judge) for yourselves:

First half of our tale

Don’t you just love Facebook?

The epic finale!

Now all we need is a publisher. And an illustrator. Any offers?

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There’s a lovely painting which my older brother did when he was about 8, we have it framed in our bathroom. After being there for at least 12 years, this morning my younger brother decided to question what it is.

We call it the Tucan Ladybug Flamingo

After staring at it for a bit we called our brother into the bathroom to explain it.

Bro #1: Ah, well you see these *pointing to the orange circles* symbolize hope.

Bro #2 (immediately adopting a snobbish rich accent) Right, right

Bro #1: And the beak represents humanity. And, uh, the eye represents what will happen if I’m not elected President.

Me (same accent): Very black, grim, yes.

Bro #1: And, the blue is for the future…

Bro #2 and Me (a mixture of): Quite right, Of course, Yes, Fascinating.

Bro #1: And the legs, uh….

Me: They’re twisted around: the fall of humanity!

Critical thinking at it’s finest.

Inappropriate Places to Fart

If you’re human you probably flatulate on a regular basis.

However, if you’re anything like me I only flatuate when it is the worst possible time to do so. The following are some of my favorite fart stories.

Forensics

My Junior year I was at a speech competition where I made it to the third round of competition. It isn’t very far but the room was extremely competitive, also, it had three judges all ages 60- 70+. This would have been fine if my monologue wasn’t a dark comedy about a crazed first- grade teacher (which is apparently on YouTube somewhere but no one will tell me how to find it!).

Anyways, in my piece there was a part where I screamed and then paused (took a “beet”) for comedic effect. As you may have guessed, when I reached this part I went through the usual motions of jumping, screaming, and then silence, this is when I farted. There’s no real way to know how loud the fart was (the first row defiantly heard it), but to me it may as well have been a canon blast. Into a megaphone. That smelled. After a brief moment of internal panic, I continued with my piece as normal and practically ran out of the room after the round was over, and laughing recounted the tale to my teammates. That room never knew what hit them.

Play Practice

This year, as a senior in high school, I took a Beginning acting class though the local university. Part of the curriculum was that we were cast in these 10 minute plays directed by the Beginning Directing class, I was cast in 3 of these. One evening we had rehearsal we had on a Sunday evening after it had been lightly snowing all day. Basically, the temperature never rose above 7 and all we had to show for it was a light layer of powder on the ground. Because of this I spent the day in braided pigtails, a less- than- flattering sweater, and mom jeans. I went to play rehearsal unaware that we would be trying on costumes that day. I ended up in a little black cocktail dress with a hot pick lace. With tube socks, braids and tennis shoes. To make matters worse, I had a healthy helping of fart- incing foods before I left the house.

Yup. Rocking it.

Yup. Rocking it.

All these elements added together as I walked on stage to say my line and ripped one. Loud. Oh, did I forget to mention that all the other actors were men? Whoops. Needless to say this got one guy laughing, which got us all laughing and breaking character, much to my directors discontent. Thankfully as they all had deep hearty laughs, this gave cover for another fart which passed by unnoticed.

Thankfully these wonderful stories have taught me to never take myself too seriously as I laugh at myself now.

P.S.- Spell Check is trying to tell me that “flatuate” isn’t a word. Which it is. I don’t care what you have to say, Spell Check!

No words

My family was watching TV this morning when a preview for the Monsters vs. Aliens came on.

My Dad then looked up from what he was doing and (referring to Bob) asked, “Why is there a character that looks like a condom?”

Bob is the blue one down front

I have no words for this. Also, this movie is now ruined for me.

Kids are fun- for short periods of time

This last summer I babysat my Dad’s old high school friend’s two young daughters.

I’m good with kids, only I normally babysit boys. Boys who, when I need a break, I can set  in front of the TV and they’ll play Wii for three hours. Girls don’t work like that. They demand the majority of your attention  and like to talk. A lot.

First girl (about 7): Do you have a boyfriend?

Me (resisting sarcastic remark): No.

Second girl (about 9): Do you want to be alone forever?!?

Me: Wait, what?

Also, are very interested in your personal life.

P.S.- I have also babysat a five- year old who told me, “I’m texting my boyfriend”. On her iPod Touch.

I’m awesome- and forgetful- but namely awesome

I pretty much just spent my entire weekend on a speech meet tickling my teammates  learning the values of public speaking. And playing BS with mini Winnie- the- Pooh playing cards. Mostly the last part.

During the awards ceremony (since it was the last meet of the season) they asked the seniors to line up and say their name, school, and how long they’ve been in Forensics.  They took a picture:

Aside from my awesomely swaying hips, the best part of this picture is everyone else’s faces:

Me: I’m awesome.

Guy next to me: Crap I’m next.

My teammate: Did she not mention what school she’s from?

Girl: I could have sworn she was a freshman….

In my defense I totally thought I mentioned where I was from… Opps.