Inappropriate Places to Fart

If you’re human you probably flatulate on a regular basis.

However, if you’re anything like me I only flatuate when it is the worst possible time to do so. The following are some of my favorite fart stories.

Forensics

My Junior year I was at a speech competition where I made it to the third round of competition. It isn’t very far but the room was extremely competitive, also, it had three judges all ages 60- 70+. This would have been fine if my monologue wasn’t a dark comedy about a crazed first- grade teacher (which is apparently on YouTube somewhere but no one will tell me how to find it!).

Anyways, in my piece there was a part where I screamed and then paused (took a “beet”) for comedic effect. As you may have guessed, when I reached this part I went through the usual motions of jumping, screaming, and then silence, this is when I farted. There’s no real way to know how loud the fart was (the first row defiantly heard it), but to me it may as well have been a canon blast. Into a megaphone. That smelled. After a brief moment of internal panic, I continued with my piece as normal and practically ran out of the room after the round was over, and laughing recounted the tale to my teammates. That room never knew what hit them.

Play Practice

This year, as a senior in high school, I took a Beginning acting class though the local university. Part of the curriculum was that we were cast in these 10 minute plays directed by the Beginning Directing class, I was cast in 3 of these. One evening we had rehearsal we had on a Sunday evening after it had been lightly snowing all day. Basically, the temperature never rose above 7 and all we had to show for it was a light layer of powder on the ground. Because of this I spent the day in braided pigtails, a less- than- flattering sweater, and mom jeans. I went to play rehearsal unaware that we would be trying on costumes that day. I ended up in a little black cocktail dress with a hot pick lace. With tube socks, braids and tennis shoes. To make matters worse, I had a healthy helping of fart- incing foods before I left the house.

Yup. Rocking it.

Yup. Rocking it.

All these elements added together as I walked on stage to say my line and ripped one. Loud. Oh, did I forget to mention that all the other actors were men? Whoops. Needless to say this got one guy laughing, which got us all laughing and breaking character, much to my directors discontent. Thankfully as they all had deep hearty laughs, this gave cover for another fart which passed by unnoticed.

Thankfully these wonderful stories have taught me to never take myself too seriously as I laugh at myself now.

P.S.- Spell Check is trying to tell me that “flatuate” isn’t a word. Which it is. I don’t care what you have to say, Spell Check!

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